Releasing My Scrappy Girl
When I initially had begun to write this blog entry it was very hostile and aggressive - I was particularly angry. I took some time to sit on it. I didn’t want to be in a heart space that was fueled by fear or contempt for particular leaders and people in power. It is hard to have compassion in moments when I don’t understand others or their actions. I’m going to try to mush a few things into this as I process a few components that have come into my awareness since my first draft, I’m not sure it will all fit and make sense but this is what I am compelled to write and I try not to deviate from what’s pouring into my noggin’.
If we (you and I) have a relationship outside of this strange encounter ie: you just reading these personal words on my blog, likely you may have noticed my Facebook feed is riddled with political propaganda against Trump which is very biased, but I am very biased hence the big P word there. I’m not going to hide the fact that I have an agenda, because I do. I also have a vagina which is why I have an agenda in this case. So what am I look to achieve? Well on a grand scale, the acknowledgement that that there is a serious divide in how we see, treat and talk about female bodies as it relates to government and laws versus men’s bods. Also funny how those laws are often created and put into action by men or bible thumping females who feed off and support these delusional males because they too like the taste of power and are probably so disconnected from their own femininity that they actually believe the bullshit they are fed. To you, masculinized ladies - maybe you need to get reacquainted with your labia & co.. The fact that I’m female is reason alone for me to be concerned and disturbed by things I’m seeing and hearing in my own country and our neighbors below. I’m not naive to to the gender issues and torment of young girls and women in other countries at the hands of patriarch societies with dictator leadership or other. But really, if the political climate in the land of FREEDOM is in troubled waters, where does one turn to for solace, hope, inspiration and refuge?
Second - as a female of Central/Eastern Europe decent, I know that just by the colour of my skin I am/could/might be treated differently than another females of darker skin colour. I’m aware of my white privilege. It’s fucking 2019 people. Where are the leaders interested in the dissolvence of ANY divide in equality, be it gender, race and/or any other labeled category you wish to throw any particular human in - in every reach, bredth, situation, experience, circumstance, or other?! You don’t need to be a fucking genius to know - healthy and inclusive communities equate to healthy and vibrant economies…because the citizens are active, able and are all contributing!!! You want to see less money go into social programs, health care and police/incarceration services? Foster healthy relationships at home, in schools, at work - teach children what is priority. Be fucking kind. Honour culture and our unique differences in ways that unite us and speak to our need as individuals to feel seen and included in the collective. Why does this have to be so hard?
I believe leaders like Trump (and others) embody what is currently wrong, outdated, not working and not right in this world. In saying that…I try to be thankful for him - hear me out. I equate him and his government like a really bad bowl of soup, I’d rather see the fucking disgusting grease rising to the surface than have it secretly seeping out below, without our knowledge. We can’t change what we don’t know. Trump and his MAGA followers are giving us a true glimpse into the contrast of what is good and what is not good - dare I say evil.
I’m trying to be grateful in these moments when all I really want to be is angry. I try to be grateful for being able to see very clearly what is priority in the minds of powerful, rich [white] men and what they need in order to stay in power. One of those things is the continuation of massaging their very bloated and misogynistic egos. Men like Trump don’t make it to the top and stay there without helpers. I’m talking about men AND women who push these ‘powerful’ figureheads through direct engagement and action; or indirectly let them slip right past them through silence and indifference. Let me remind you, deliberate indifference…deliberate inaction carries its own toxic power. I’ll come back to that in a second. “I choose to do nothing” is a whole lotta something let me tell you!
My fascination with US politics spans way way WAAAAY back to the Clinton administration. I was in elementary school. I loved hearing President Clinton talk about equality, poverty, racism, human rights, foreign policy -- it was an introduction into politics and direction action and response to human suffering which I, even as a young girl was very fascinated with. I was (am) a very sensitive soul and for many reasons, sitting in others pain felt familiar and comfortable for me. It was an involved, almost heavier form of compassion - empathy, maybe?! But, that shit is dangerous. Feeling other peoples’ pain without knowing how to process or release it is isn’t healthy - it is not something we humans should be carrying around with us. I felt comforted by the fact there were individuals in very visible roles that cared, and were making a difference - measurable change that was inspiring. Even though he wasn’t my President, I felt the magnetic energy he conveyed in his dutiful role as a good serviceman - his values aligned with his actions and though I didn’t quite understand the power of that, it was enough to create a fan girl out of me, still to this day. He was not perfect, which I too found endearing and intriguing. I guess in my opinion blow jobs in the Oval Office aren’t criminal. Ripping children from their parents and putting them into cages where some of them die, yeah - that’s pretty fucking criminal to me.
I operate in this world through a felt sense. I use my intuition and I often read between the lines - sometimes to my benefit, sometimes let me tell you…to the contrary. The world is not set up for those like us - us feelers. I was never taught how to create energetic boundaries, and thus struggled with creating boundaries in the physical world as I let my emotions run the show, feeling like I needed to save every Sam, Dick and Harry. My fear of disappointing others was my driver in elementary and high school, from that I managed to PERFORM = great grades and positive feedback from teachers. I knew what was expected of me. But inside, a serious storm was brewing. By the time I hit University my emotional capacity was so low, I could no longer function in an institution that completely depleted my soul. We give labels - addiction, depression, anxiety, ADHD - yadda yadda ding dong. It’s real. That shit is real. I know because I have been an anxious little human since my mom pushed my of her whooo-haaaa some 34 years ago. From severe colic as a baby to complete and utter GRADE A meltdowns as a child over something as simple as lost keys to a 10+ year battle with an eating disorder. If you don’t deal with your emotions, don’t worry - they will deal with you!
Now I can get all conspiracy theorist and blame the media, big pharma, politicians and everyone who has many ‘0’s in their bank account, for the state that our current world is in and how we got here. But instead I’m going to lay the blame directly on the shoulders of those who are reading this - along with the general public. I have a friend who often says “It’s not your fault you’re fucked up, but it sure is your fault you STAY fucked up.” That is so true. I believe the state of our world is a direct reflection of the state of ALL OF US. The planet is a reflection of what we as a mass collective of human beings think and feel about ourselves, each other, this planet. Perhaps you are what you eat, but you are what you do. You are how you behave. You are what you think. Our mindset and mental stability as a collective is kind of fucked if we look at what we are tolerating in this world right now…or one step further - promoting in the case of say, Trump and his team of gremlins. We are, where we are because we either let it happen and didn’t stop it, or we pushed/pulled it into actualization.
When I was 5-years-old, I was a stubborn little scrappy girl. If I didn’t like it - you heard about it. If I didn’t want to wear something, I didn’t - and found my own damn outfit, thank you very MUCH! If you pissed me off - I’d let you have it. You wanted to punish me, I’d bend over for a spanking and tell you to hurry along ‘cause Barbie ain’t going to braid her own damn hair. Somewhere along the way of people pleasing, conforming, compromising and following the rest of the heard I, and I’m sure many others pushed down and silenced my scrappy girl. It was convenient for everyone, and for me - until I just couldn’t or wouldn’t any more. I ask you this…who is winning when you are a complacent pile of flesh on this Earth just carrying out your day to day like a fucking robot? You certainly aren’t. The collective certainly isn’t.
I was recently watching a video of Gregg Braden, another older white gentleman I fan girl (side note, real fan girl moment - sent the creepy messenger note after watching the first 3 seasons of Missing Links. True story. Professed how he was changing my perspective and I was soooooooo grateful and appreciative for him and his work. No Candace. No one wants to hear your third eye ramblings at 2AM just because you had a divine intervention in the form of a new show on Gaia. Ugh. Someone get me some parental controls on my messenger - is that thing?! I need it.). ANYWHO, he was recounting a moment he had on a mountain top in which he was there to provoke some guidance in his decision of either continuing down his path of science, or move into a more spiritual realm of study. A professor was making him choose - his uncertainty sent him on the search to find clarity. On top the mountain he got the answer he was looking for when he felt a large expansion and connection happening between his head and heart, he could literally feel the convergence. He was then asked - either by himself, divine self or Divine, if he left the earth at that moment, would he be happy, would he have accomplished everything he had set out? His response was an almost violent NO NO NO!!! I believe that was his scrappy self - curious self - connected self making its presence known and propelling him towards the work he is doing today. We are lucky to benefit from that work in the science and spiritual fields in this lifetime as he is responsible for some amazing research, discoveries and sharing of information. Point being, if you died tomorrow - would you be able to look back on your life with confidence and know you did everything you set out to accomplish? Would you be proud of how you left this planet for the next generation? We need to release our scrappy selves sometimes to push us out of our comfort zones and make change happen. We need to be comfortable with change.
Do you remember the 2016 VMA’s when Nicki Minaj called out, “Miley, what’s good” in a very scrappy way. Host Miley Cyrus kept her cool but probably shat herself on stage. Holy f*ck Nicki embodied her scrappy girl in that moment. She didn’t rip across the stage and beat Miley’s skinny ass with that heavy award but she made her presence known, and made it very clear she did not approve of whatever Miley had said about her in the press. That’s the mood I’m in a lot lately. “Trump, what’s good”, “Trudeau, what’s good”, “Scheer, what’s good”. Someone get me a fucking long wig, 2 inch pointed nails and some stripper stilettos (okay and maybe boob and butt implants). Kidding. I feel like we don’t have to show up with pitch forks and shot guns to get our point across. We just need our leaders to know we are AWARE, WATCHING AND READY TO LAY THE SMACK DOWN if someone over steps. Including if Scheer makes into office and decides women’s bodies are up for talks and the environment isn’t priority (who makes a fucking climate report without actuals and numbers - you’re the conservatives…that’s all you fucking care about?!) The point is - you don’t need to blast the cannons from the tanker, you just need to rock the boat a bit in order to make some ripples in the water. Have an intention to do good - make a plan and take small steps to see it actualize. You have influence, so fucking use it.
With that said - I’m going to pull some Nicki out. As a female, I see some areas of improvement with my fellow ladies. We need to take some responsibility for how the world is right now. I have a huge problems with how WE are handling things specifically right now, and how we’ve handled things in the past. I’m mad at myself too for some of these exact reasons:
1. We sit in our victimization WAY to long. We let it define us. It becomes our story and then instead of actualizing our purpose and letting our past drive us to create change we carry the weight of that story on our backs like it is our cross to bare in the world. If you believe in Jesus you know he already carried the cross for you, so put yours down. Everyday many of us get to wake up and make a fucking choice about who and how we want to be in this world. Not everyone in this world has options and opportunities to the degree many of us do. Life is a luxury. If you wake up tomorrow, guess what - you have a purpose and if you aren’t actualizing that purpose - that’s on you. No one else. Whatever happened to you in the past, is in the past. You want to heal - do the work. Do the work!
2. We choose to be quiet for the men in our lives. The male population is never going to advance beyond this patriarchal society we have helped them perpetuate without us uprising first. Female energy carries the emotional stability on this planet - in the energetic world, shifts need to happen before they are seen in the physical. “Behind every strong man is a strong woman” - this becomes next level when you understand male and female energies. This shift is already occurring - but in order for us to see the beautiful convergence of contrast in its highest form, females need to rise first - we lead in the energetic/emotional realm and until this happens we will see the spinning of wheels by our men or the masculine. Right now there are a lot of ‘beta bitches’ like Trump who have a false sense of masculinity. I don’t like the word toxic - misguided, misinformed…well maybe for Trump it’s toxic but that could also just be the aerosol coming off his skin from the spray tan. Low blow. Sorry. You want the men in your life to grow the f* up, don’t tolerate whatever it is you are tolerating. If you do tolerate it, don’t fucking complain - you are CHOOSING to stay. You have a choice. You have a voice. Use it, create boundaries or leave.
3. Women who take advantage of or credit for other women stepping into their purpose and power AND denounce the need for men in this world. Being a feminist isn’t anti-dick, being a feminist is about inclusion and seeing how everyone fits into the collective to serve the greater good. The greater good doesn’t mean without one gender, with only one race or sexual preference. We have quite the flavour of humans on this planet and we need it all for balance!!! Every. Damn. Ounce of it! Everything you need to be you, you already have. It’s already in your DNA, you have your own personal Divine self trying to give you all those markers and clues, you have your guides, and every shit storm on Earth being offered to you is ACTUALLY for you, not happening to you. So you should give great thanks for those hiccups that are trying to pivot you in the right direction. I’m seeing so many females calling themselves healers, intuitives, and every other trendy name - spewing and regurgitating fluffy verbiage just to get fans/followers so they can feel comfortable sitting in their victimization and deflect, project and redirect blame. Don’t let others take credit for your growth. Don’t let other women put you in a container you don’t want to be in. You want to feel connected on this planet? Be of service. Get the f*ck out of your safe space, designer clad world and help those who truly can’t help themselves right now. You want to contribute to the greater good - raise the vibrations of this planet…start in your own back yard. What’s happening in your community you can help resolve, eliminate, bring attention to? Ps. My scrappy girl is out. :D
4. We turn a blind eye and keep a narrow focus on just what’s in front of us. I don’t need to be a mom to give two shits about kids in the USA being held in detention centres or concentration camps. I don’t have to be David Suzuki to get angry about climate change and the pollution in the oceans. If you are disturbed with what’s happening in this world - and you aren’t sure what to do in order to make change happen. I hear you. If you are thinking to yourself that none of what is happening in this world affects you directly because it’s not knocking at your front door thus - meh, not going to care. I promise you that bypassing and ignoring what’s going on will not prevent it from affecting you and will not make it go away. If you are trying to live in a spiritually aligned world where you only say good things and positive affirmations - apart of being in the physical world is acknowledging your responsibility as a citizen of humanity. Guess what bitches - Mother Earth is on the list of ‘to dos’ more specifically …gotta save her!
So what does that mean? Well, we all have consumer purchase power and we all have voices. If every one person on this planet who cared, believed in their power to make a difference and made ethical consumer purchases that aligned with their desire to save the planet and thus all its inhabitants BOOM what a difference that would make. Say no to brands that aren’t ethical. Spend the extra dollar on clothing made by eco-friendly brands that don’t promote sweat shops or pollute water and dump their excess in garbage fills. Moms, you need to inform your kids and you need to create the change in your family that you want to see in this world. Don’t leave it to your husband, don’t leave it up to the teachers at your kids’ school, don’t leave it up to the hippy family that lives 2 doors down from you. TAKE ACTION!
5. You care too much about what others think about you - and you let your perception of what they think ruin you and hold you back. How many of us create stories of what others are going to say and think so we can avoid getting uncomfortable and showing up in this world? Oh hi bitch, me too! High five that shit! On the flip, do you engage in harmful and hurtful gossip and judgements that say more about you than it does about the humans you are talking trash about?! We have all been there either receiving or giving. Take a friend inventory. If you have someone in your life that is always coming knocking on your door talking about the latest gossip, please believe they are talking about you behind your back too! I’m curious how that is serving someone for the better? I’m not above admitting this shit happens with me too - I’m the first to call myself out because I know when I’m doing this, it’s a reflection of what nasty shit I’m telling myself about me - my own insecurities, my own feelings of inadequacy or fear that are grabbing the wheel. Work hard at making this adjustment. You might see certain people fall away from your life but let them go with love and light.
6. Ohhh last but not least, a call out to those women who love the feeling of power at the top with all those misguided masculine men and perpetuate their agenda through harmful action. I’ve already called you out. You need to apologize to your vagina, for realz. This world does not need you perpetuating an outdated patriarchal society and their dirty dick agendas. For the love of all - realize you are doing more harm than good.
I think when we are all young, we are innocently enamoured with the world - everything is exciting and new. Instant gratification comes with the joys of being constantly stimulated with play, curiosity, adventures, new humans - new things to learn. But as high as those highs are as a child, I think for many, especially for the very sensitive and tuned in - the lows are extremely low because the young mind doesn’t grasp or understand the complexities of the world. A lot is and can be simplified in very dangerous beliefs that, as adults we don’t realize are still lingering in our unconscious minds - running a muck and doing all sorts of damage, self sabotage and preventing us from being our true sparkly selves. As cliche as it is, you can’t change anything on the outside unless you address the shit that’s wrong on the inside. What’s in your heart? What do you say and think about yourself? How do you perceive and experience this world? What are you putting up with and tolerating from those around you?
Everyday we get distracted by messaging and programs that run in our heads and create this outer world of ours. We adapt, we morph, we fit in, we become another sheep in the herd because that’s what is easiest, safest. I’m not asking you to flip your life and world upside down and become a tree hugging, save the planet activist. But you can DO MORE than what you are doing right now. I know you can care more than what you do now - and love more than you do now.
We all have the power of influence as consumers, voters and community members - some of you surely have more influence than others…you need to be informed and ask questions and be conscious of the things you do and say. Don’t just listen to what you see and read in the media…don’t just follow some misinformed, consumer driven Instagram ‘influencer’ that likely wants you to purchase their product or program. Be CONSCIOUS about your daily habits, activities, what you listen to, what you eat, who you surround yourself with -- this all matters more than you know. As a former newsroom producer I can tell you, you aren’t getting the full scope of the world through your cable TV or mass media outlets, you are getting sound bites and well edited story lines. Wake yourself up. This planet will not survive and thrive unless we all take more ownership, responsibility and make changes in or hearts, minds and lifestyles. I believe we can do it together. I believe you want to see the world change for the better just like I do. So let’s do it…